This afternoon on my way out, I saw a young man heading towards the front door of my company, obviously on his way inside.
I stopped and held the door open. I was really expecting him to take hold of the door and then allow me to pass. What was I thinking?
He pushed pass me (still holding the door) without a backward glance.
Now I can’t say that if I got $10 for each time that happens, I’d be able to resign my job, but I can say that it would definitely pay a few bills.
I have found that this ‘malady’ isn’t just restricted to the uneducated or the lower income males though. It reminded me of a ‘date’ I went on a few months ago.
The young man in question is a rising star in his company, Vice President of his area, frequently on radio shows advancing his company’s position on critical issues that abound.
We agreed on a particular time and I was dressed and rearing to go when he called half hour after the agreed time. No apology for his tardiness, he advised that he’d be there in the next 15 minutes. Strike one against him.
That should have been a warning but even though I toyed with the idea of telling him to stay home, he sounded so pleasant and friendly that I really didn’t have the heart.
Some time later (again past the agreed time) he called for directions. After several phone calls (and apparently wrong turns) he called again to confirm that he was at the correct address and to advise that he was outside.
I told him to inform the security personnel who he was visiting and he would be directed to where I am. A few seconds later I stepped outside.
Surprised at not seeing his vehicle I called. To my utter shock, the man was parked outside my apartment, in the middle of the road. Obviously no one informed him that the decent thing when taking someone out was to go inside and not park on the street! Wow, I wasn’t even requesting that he get out the car. Apparently even driving inside the complex was too much for him. Strike two against him.
Thoroughly pissed off, I picked my way (in my stilletos) outside to the car. Masking my annoyance, we managed to have a pleasent conversation on the way to the venue where I was faced with a dilema.
Now, I’ve discovered that there are guys who will walk around to the passenger side and open the door. And then there are the guys who don’t.
Based on the start of the evening, it really shouldn’t have difficult deciphering which category my date belong to. Still I didn’t want to assume.
A flash bulb went off in my head and I fumbled with my shoes. I thought that if I pretend to ‘fix’ my shoes I’d be spared the embarassment of looking silly while waiting on the door to be opened for when the date has walked off (this has happened before) and I wouldn’t run the risk of offending the (hopefully) galant young man if he did come around to open my door.
So much for hoping.
My date was standing waiting impatiently. Oh well. So we start walking towards the place. It still surprises me that a lot of men seem not to know the proper way to walk with a lady. Apparently he was one of those not in the know. So, there we were walking on the street with him walking on the inside instead of the other way around. Another strike against him.
Maybe they should have a Taking Out A Lady 101 class for guys when they reach 5th form or something.
The date was doomed before it even started. He called every day for the next two weeks.
Needless to say, I ignored all his calls.
Ps: I wish someone could tell me how I can change the font colour.
27 responses so far ↓
guyana-gyal // January 13, 2007 at 7:34 am
Out of sheer perversity, I would’ve told the guy why I don’t want to see him again.
I read how, in Japan, the women are refusing to marry or date, to have anything to do with men, until the men shape up. Apparently now men there are taking classes on how to treat women right.
Your post reminds me of the bully on the seawall, the one I encountered recently…I’ve been meaning to write about him. The Jerk.
Adrian // January 13, 2007 at 9:44 am
This guy is the boss, maybe he just assumed you were in the boat of women who clammer for equality.
Mighty Afroditee // January 13, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I think that men misunderstand our need for equality, and think that we want to be just like them. This is far from the truth. I can open my own door, and walk on the road, but I require a man to take a certain role when we are together, which entails him doing these things, or wanting to do these things. Goes back to proper parenting too, and ensuring that boys are taught these traditional values.
Not all is lost though. There are a lot of men who do have these traits. Jus’ few and far between.
Did your date stiff you for the cheque? He sounds like that kinda guy ; )
Gela Words // January 13, 2007 at 5:37 pm
’stiff me for the cheque’ ? Gosh that would have been too much, hehe.
Yeah, I do think they misunderstand the whole equality thing as you say. We want to be paid the same for the work that we do, we want to be respected. But jeez, isn’t it nice when you’re with a guy and he does all the little extras? open the door, put you on the inside when walking on the road, etc.
scratchie // January 13, 2007 at 6:19 pm
Chivalry???? What is that? Vaguely recall that word in the dictionary some time back. Hush gela. It’s a trait of modern society and just a mere symptom of the problems we are facing in our young people.
Leon // January 13, 2007 at 7:30 pm
It mostly is. Manners have left our society. Wake up ladies, there are no Prince Charmings left in the world, because there are no damsels. I intend to post on this soon.
Mad Bull // January 13, 2007 at 9:42 pm
Ok, I am going to talk about this. I wasn’t going to, but I can’t resist… first, let me say that I was brought up to be chivalrous, etc. and its pretty much ingrained in me, I can’t help it, no matter what logic tells me.
Still, logic says to me that if you are equal, you are equal… there is no need to walk on the outside or hold doors or get cheques. You are equal. Its not what you want in terms of equality. Equality is equality and anything else is inequality.
If you are earning similarly, there is no reason why you should not share the cheque. Its the same thing with these antiquated marriage laws… why should the wife get the house, alimony, and the kids if she is equal? The man should put some money to support his kids, including housing, clothing education, healthcare, entertainment and food, he should help take care of them too sometimes and the ex-wife should support herself! After all, she nuh equal?
My take on it is this… if you get a chivalrous man, be happy. If you don’t, well, you shouldn’t be put out. That is what equality is.
Dee // January 13, 2007 at 11:56 pm
I read how, in Japan, the women are refusing to marry or date, to have anything to do with men, until the men shape up.
Hmm…sounds sort of like a modern-day Lysistrata…women boycotting men.
mr. A // January 14, 2007 at 4:09 am
Talk about a combo.
This dude was dead wrong. But, a couple (and probably only a couple) of the things you named are things some guys don’t know about. Part because there is nobody to teach them (older male figure.) Part because no woman has said anything to them about the behavior.
Gela the city dweller // January 14, 2007 at 4:35 am
Aww MB, you men have a different take on equality.
Look, there are men now suing women for support these days. I too don’t think that if man and woman making the same salary and they split up, the man should have to support the woman until she remarries either. He should support his children though.
The other day on the news (while in Florida) this couple had decided that since the wife’s income was greater, the man would be the stay-at-home partner, saving on child care cost. How they explained it made sense too.
And I absolutely don’t think that the men should always pay. Of course if you invite me for dinner date (especially first date, yeah, get the cheque, I’ll do the same (and have too on numerous occasions) if I invite you out, no problem.
I don’t necessarily think that household duties should be split along gender lines either. Women cook, men take out the trash (although it would be nice if he did take out the trash
If you get home before me, cook, afterall we both work, if I see the trash needs taking out, I’ll take it out.
We love the fact that as women we can now be educated, can apply for practically any job, have more say, doesn’t have to wait on the man to initiate sex but as Afro said, we don’t necessarily want to be the man.
So therefore what I’m talking about is the little things that make you feel special as a woman. So yes, put me on the inside when walking on the road, I love an attentive man. And yes, open the door for me too, and pull out my chair, these are the things that make a man stands out among his peers.
Case in point. Last night night (Friday) a girlfriend and I took out a male friend. He wasn’t allowed to go for his wallet at all (he kept saying that this was so unusual for him), we took care of that. Yet all night, he was opening doors for us, pulling out the chairs for us, it felt good.
So that’s what I’m talking about.
Those Japanese women better be careful the men don’t retaliate by refusing to put out later, hehe, but I do understand where they’re coming from.
Mad Bull // January 14, 2007 at 7:42 am
Cho, I was expecting lots of spirited discussion on this.
I guess it was not to be.
I think what we are seeing here is a blurring of gender roles and its not always clear whats expected of the males and the females and so there is going to be behaviour that isn’t perfect on both sides.
For instance, I have heard of women who get vexed if you hold doors or pull out chairs or even try to pay the bill for them. Its a confusing world.
I guess I don’t believe fully in equality. I do believe in equal pay for equal work, and I believe men should help more in the housekeeping work and in raising the children but at the same time I don’t believe women should be doing certain types of work, for instance, they shouldn’t be out on the battlefield . They shouldn’t be involved in firefights with criminals. If I hear disturbing sounds outside my house at night, I can’t see myself ever turning to Natty, handing her the machete and tell her “Honey, its your turn to check whats going on outside.”.
But this is antiquated thinking, I guess.
And at the same time, I think the women need to be treated more equally in law, i.e. I think the laws governing division of assets after a divorce need some close scrutiny and adjustment, because women aren’t these helpless little things that the law makes them out to be.
Still, I think the better approach for a man taking out a woman is to err on the side of chivalrous gestures. If you going to get a cussing, let it be because you were chivalrous rather than for displaying loutish behaviour. Pull out the chair and let her cuss you rather than not pull it out and she brindle pon you, know what I mean…
And if I have anything to do with it, (i.e. I don’t drop dead before) MBJr. will learn how to treat a lady.
guyana-gyal // January 14, 2007 at 11:26 am
You should read about Sweden and equality between the sexes. Women pay their own way on dates, they even ask the guy out. They’ve gained in many ways, to be a woman in Sweden is to be have tons of rights. But on the romance grounds, they’ve lost out on some things.
Old fashioned manners are all I ask for…I hate it when I open a door and some boor pushes past me.
As for going on a date with the kinda guy Gela had the misfortune to go with…no wayyyy would he get the time of day with a lot of girls I know.
guyana-gyal // January 14, 2007 at 11:28 am
MB, you never heard of the Amazon women?
Mad Bull // January 14, 2007 at 2:43 pm
Yeah, I have heard of them, but they are the stuff of myth, aren’t they?
Gela Words // January 14, 2007 at 6:25 pm
What was special about the amazon women again, except that they’re supposedly big and strong? They were from where again?
Yamfoot // January 14, 2007 at 9:18 pm
I think that if you liked the conversation, you could tell him that these chivalrous things matter to you and would make a differenc eto how you would preceive him. Even men can learn.
I have had to school a few. What I notice in Grenada though, is that when anybody drop me home (not a date….I dont do dates) they dont wait until I get inside. And then it dawned on me that them dont have no crime here so those things they dont think about!
Kingston Girl // January 15, 2007 at 9:57 am
Coming in late to this one…
I believe in equality - equal work, equal wages and all the rest of it. However, I also recognise that men and women are different. Most men are stronger than most women. Therefore, unless my man is injured or something, I would expect him to carry my heavy bags. And I reckon that most men are not interested in interior design, therefore I would expect to be the one in charge of decorating our house!
abeni // January 15, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Men tell me that women have to decide if they want equality or not.Some say if we do then why fuss about whether or not they open doors for us etc.
guyana-gyal // January 15, 2007 at 1:34 pm
From what I heard, there really were some about, MB. I’ll try to find out.
katcampbell // January 16, 2007 at 7:51 pm
What a goon! Mannerless young men seem to be the norm now days though. I suspect its because Fathers are failing to teach these skills (what Pap didn’t teach my son, his sisters beat into him :.) If you figure out how to change the font color, let me know.
blueseas // January 16, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Hi … have been lurking around blogshere for a while now and have throughly enjoyed your blog! Welcome respite - grin!
Lex // January 16, 2007 at 11:58 pm
I’m feeling cynical, so I attribute the death of chivalry to the dearth of examples of fathers treating boy’s mothers well…hell, the dearth of good men at home, period.
Trouble // January 17, 2007 at 1:36 pm
That’s what you get for robbin’ da cradle… Stop dating teenagers and you might get the respect you seek.
I back Mad Bull on this ‘issue’…
It’s also a very male trait to be ‘all-or-nothing’ and this comes out in the chivalry debate often [i.e. You want to be equal, open your own damn door]… But a woman shouldn’t have to sacrifice ‘being treated like a lady’ to be treated as an equal… this is if in fact she is a ‘lady’… There are some roughneck-gyals out there.
My mother is a great example of a strong, independent woman. She busted her ass to raise three kids alone, and did whatever it took. She also excelled in her career, and trumped many a man doing so. She passed these strong traits on to my sister. At the end of the day though, she is still a lady.
Equality for women is the same as equality for ‘minority’ ethnic groups, or homosexuals etc… Those people that have been, or are still being treated unfairly, in this modern day and age, should be allowed to seize opportunities without hindrance, and be equally compensated for achieving equal results in endeavors… In other words, ‘be treated fairly as a human being.’
Be that as it may, there is still a great difference [if one was to generalize] between men and women… I won’t get into it much, but it has something to do with women plucking, waxing, exfoliating, primping, spritz’ing, etc… They are curvier, bouncier, jigglier, nicer smelling, and much more importantly, have decidedly less body hair than we do.
Believe it or not, nature [or God, if you prefer] gave women [in general] those traits for a damn good reason… And I for one am very thankful and will demonstrate said thankfulness by opening every door, pulling out chairs, walking on the ‘outside’ [for what good it would do as a Hummer H2 plows into us both at 60 MPH], walking you to/from your door… Hell, I’d even throw my damn coat down over a puddle if it would help me get ‘some.’
Also… You get what you give. Your ‘young boy’ is a product of a desensitized society, and who made that society if not us. For every woman who laments the death of chivalry and the lack of decent male role models for our young men… There is a mother, aunt, grandmother, older sister, nanny, babysitter, teacher who stood idly by as a boy was ‘corrupted.’
Men may be more “boorish” than women [once again, in general], however we are also only human, and subject to human feelings… You think men don’t enjoy being pampered? Think again. We just have slightly different ideas of what constitutes pampering… And we’re afraid of being labeled a ‘metro-sexual [there’s that ‘in general’ again.]
So, you CAN have your cake and eat it too… Just don’t expect to turn around and sell that same cake for 20 bucks… Example: You can have that high paying job with a male executive assistant to push around… And you can still be fawned all over by a man when you’re out on a date with him… But if you think it’s okay to slap a guy in the face because you can’t control your emotions, and he’s supposed to ‘not retaliate’ because you’re a delicate flower… Let me know how that one works out for you…
Jim Screechy // January 19, 2007 at 8:36 pm
I don’t have a problem opening doors for women going into a vehicle, but coming out- i don’t think that’s practical or even fair.
If you put yourself in situations where the male will either ‘fail’ or ‘pass’ you’ll either be disappointed or impressed. Either way none really shows the true personality of the male, maybe he just simply forgot. I think simply asking if he believes in certain acts of chivalry is suffice.
I think men are annoyed by the ‘power’ that women have in the sense that they can pick and choose who they want to date whilst (most) men have to settle for which girl will talk to them. In acknowledging this they refuse to be ‘baited’ up and are more willing to accept a woman who accepts them for who they are and not for the frills of novelty.
For the record I only believe in:
-opening doors
-opening car doors (where practically appropriate)
-pulling seats
-paying for outings only if I do the inviting
-allowing her to pick one chick flick per month for us to watch at Carib 5
Gela Words // January 19, 2007 at 9:29 pm
Actually, I think it’s more practical to open the door for a woman going into a car. To be honest I feel a little silly sometimes sitting in the car and waiting for the man to leave his side, come around and open the door but I’ve been ‘told off’ a few time because I don’t allow the man to do it. I’ve even been accused of not being accustomed to being treated like a lady by the man.
Jim Screechy // January 20, 2007 at 10:25 am
Gela, any female friend that tells you off about not baiting up a man like that clearly is bitter about somethng. Females need to be practical. The times I will come and open a door for a woman after driving is when it’s raining. Uppity I tell you…
Gish // April 12, 2007 at 9:34 am
am i too late? am relived to learnt that the same issues men here grapple with are the same where you are. I would love it and it gives a man extra points if he opens my door and pulls my seat among other things. i tend to regard this extra points after good flowing conversation and his manners esp towards waiters and all. I am grateful for the few that are left and i enjoy such moments and for those that dont ok hard luck.
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