Long ago I made the decision that regardless of how tempting the situation is, unless I am absolutely sure that there is no risk of me being wrong in my assessment, I will no longer comment on a person’s appearance.
Several happenings have lead me to this decision. Not only have I been the unfortunate recipient of unnecessary and unwelcome concern but I’ve been on the brink of having my feet lodged firmly in my mouth.
This incident came to mind. I remember some years ago at a games evening with several friends, there was a woman in attendance, who was the friend of one of my friends. We were introduced and as the evening progressed, everyone got quite chummy. Now those games evening usually go on until the next morning and I thought it was very brave of her to stay all night seeing that she seemed to be so advanced in her pregnancy.
At one point out of sheer inquisitiveness, I thought of asking when was her due date but decided to find out some more from my friend whose friend she was.
“How far along is she?” I inquired.
“Huh?” Cathy looked a little puzzled.
“Isn’t she afraid to be out so late,” I whispered, “she look like she’s about to deliver soon.”
After staring stupidly at me for a few seconds, Cathy’s eyes lit up with comprehension, “Omigod Gela, the woman is not pregnant!”
I was so grateful I had not said anything to the lady. That certainly would have been a sticky little situation.
I too have been the recipient of similarly innocent (I’m sure) comments.
There have been times when I look a little jagged around the edges due to work/exam induced stress and sleep-deprivation. So, there would be the unwelcome bags around the eyes, the obvious lack of energy, and other signs of fatigue. During times like those, a comment on how terrible I look just rolls off my back because I know the observation is valid. Also, I known that as soon as the work/exam pressure is off and I get some sleep, my appearance will revert to it’s usually youthful (I would hope) and fresh look.
But just imagine a scenario like this. A scenario, all too familiar to me.
You bounced out of bed after a restful slumber, feeling on top of the world. After carefully chosing your outfit to reflect the buoyancy of your spirits, you emerge from your house feeling like a million dollar. You strut along with a pep in your step and a song in your heart.
Only to meet up someone who after the preliminary greetings, solicituosly inquire, “Oh are you feeling ok dear? You look a little tired.”
It doesn’t matter how kindly it is said, and how well-meaning you know the inquirer to be, it still completely ruin your day.
14 responses so far ↓
Melody Piggy // October 30, 2006 at 10:08 pm
“Solicitously inquire” or not, dem can walk fast & gwaan. It absolutely doesn’t matter how kindly it’s said — IMHO, it’s a catty &/or careless comment, & no, tactlessness isn’t it’s own defence.
Island Spice // October 30, 2006 at 10:14 pm
I find Jamaicans particularly tactless in this arena. They feel no way about telling you that you look tired/ fat/ skinny / pale / mash up. Most of the time I chalk it up to lack of manners but sometimes I am real tempted to answer with a review of how THEY look today.
abeni // October 31, 2006 at 4:54 am
My aunt is my harshest critic. she lets me kno w in no uncertain terms when am not cutting it. Even though I love her to death sometimes I get irritated by it all. But generally people want to know why I don’t let out my hair more often
guyana-gyal // October 31, 2006 at 6:29 am
It’s not just Jamaicans, Island Spice…in fact, a Jamaican who used to live in Guyana told me that Guyanese suffer from a dreadful disease…Foot In Mouth hahaha
Gela, my mother almost did something like that to an older woman!! Almost asked her if she was pregnant.
Geez, I need to update your and Kingston Girl’s links.
Dr. D. // October 31, 2006 at 7:11 am
Yep Gela, one definitely has to be careful when it comes to looks, weight etc. Particularly with females. Men tend to be a bit less picky. If we vex we might simply tell you ’bout you whatsitnotclaat!
Anyway, have to go get ready…flite to ketch.
scratchie // October 31, 2006 at 8:58 am
I work with all ladies in my department. I leave all those topics alone. I’ve seen people go on crash diets because somebody said the “f” word…no not that one the fat one.
SmartBlkWoman // October 31, 2006 at 1:11 pm
I’ve made the mistake of inquiring how far along were they, unfortunately for me I often said it right in front of the women……very akward moments arose when they turned out not to be pregnant.
Kat Campbell // October 31, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Definately not just Jamaicans! My very assistant, the woman who is dependent on me for her paycheck, makes it a habit to comment on my appearance every day. Ugh. Makes me crazy!
Mighty Afroditee // October 31, 2006 at 6:54 pm
Lawd Gela, you hit the nail right on the head!!!
This thoughtless, inconsiderate and obnoxious behaviour downright pisses me off!!Especially the old “How you look so fat?” question. Worst part is, the perpetrators often need to sign up fr the South Beach Diet themselves!!! Erghh!!!!
I doh justify their behavour anymore. I used to make it devastate me. Now, I just stike back like a cobra one time, especially to the repeat offenders.
Leon // October 31, 2006 at 8:26 pm
Thank God I’m not a chick. Too much emphasis on appearance. Love the preganant joke.
m.b. // October 31, 2006 at 9:03 pm
Bwoy,
I saw a bredrin and his wife some months after the wife had her baby an I was so surprised to see that she was pregnant again so quickly that I said, “Hai! You doh know that you are supposed to give your wife a break after she have baby? It look like you hol’ on pon her while she still deh inna de hospital, my yute!”. The guy looked at me blankly! “When is she due again?”. I continued. “She not pregnant!”, came the reply. I mumbled a few more words and then took off! The bredrin looked so pissed off, I glad I never said it to his wife.
Cool Destiny // November 1, 2006 at 7:14 am
MB, you are funny.
Gela, you are so right about this one. It’s better not to say anything unless it’s a real close friend of yours who you know will not take offence.
Kingston Girl // November 3, 2006 at 3:32 pm
I always used to laugh when I came home from holidays from university. Uptown people would tell me I lost weight and was looking slim and pretty. Downtown people would tell me I put on weight and was looking fat and nice… I balanced it in my head and thought that nothing had changed!
Gela Words // November 3, 2006 at 7:02 pm
Lol. KG, that’s so funny. It’s true. In my case, the older people like when I put on weight. Hmm, now that I think carefully about it, I think everyone likes when I put on weight. Peeps like to say I’m too slim. When I was younger, I used to say that I’m fashionably slim.
‘Fro, no point in letting it bother you. To be honest, I don’t think most people comment out of maliciousness.
Nowadays unless the person tells me she’s pregnant, I keep my mouth shut.
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