CityGirl

I think about it all the time.  How life would be so simple and probably much easier if we, people, didn’t have pride or fear.

If at the time you find yourself getting close to someone, you totally commit to the feeling and not stress about keeping the feeling to yourself.  

It’s fear.  Fear of being vulnerable.  Fear of putting yourself out there and allowing someone to see into your heart.   

And the funny thing is, in all probability, the person that you’re afraid to tell ‘Hey, I like hanging out with you, I miss you when you’re not around” is more than likely feeling the same thing too.

Oh life is so funny.  People are funny.

OMG, I’m so fascinated by the political happenings in the United States right now.  Barrack Obama! Wow! It’s a groundswell!  

In 2006 while Jamaica was on the cusp of creating history, I maintained in discussions that for me the issue is definitely bigger than a woman being Prime Minister of Jamaica for the first time.  I wanted the best person to win so therefore I wouldn’t give her my vote simply because I was also a female.

I’m not a citizen of the United States of course, but I do think the sentiment should remain the same.  The issue should definitely be more than whether a black man or a woman will be in the White House.  But who can help being fascinated by the possibilities?

I was in quite a murderous mood today.  I was quite livid about what I thought was downright spiteful behaviour against me.  I was so mad that I harboured thoughts of hiring a hitman to take out the offender.   I then emailed my friend, giving vent to my anger and telling her about all the dastardly things I’d love to do to him, including and not limited to dropping a bomb on his house when he and his family was out.  (At the point of thinking of dropping the bomb, I had decided I’d get more satisfaction if he was around to see the destruction).

After I calmed down, and was able to think in a more sane manner, it occurred to me that that was how some murders happened.  Not just here in Jamaica but elsewhere too.  Not everyone had the emotional maturity to allow the thoughts to remain as just thoughts. 

I must admit that harbouring murderous thoughts about people who did me grievous wrongs is nothing new to me.  I do recall plotting to kill a particularly mean cousin when I was a pre-teen.  I’d spend quite a bit of time not only plotting his murder but thinking of how I could get away with it.   

Of course there might be an argument against harbouring such thoughts in the first place.  I’m trying to decide even as I write whether I actually derive any satisfaction from plotting these imaginary murders against people who have wronged me.  It’s not exactly cathartic because I actually get even more worked up thinking about the horrors that I’d like to mete out on these offenders.  

I’m back!  For how long is anyone’s guess. 

When did it become so hard to blog?  Afterall it’s not like my life now is devoid of frustrations, disappointments, loneliness and sporadic moments of happiness.   There’s much fodder for a blog to be updated regularly.

It’s not like there hasn’t been a yearning to spill the details of my life on the net for all my blog pals to salivate over :)  However, somehow it has been extremely difficult transferring this yearning to something written. 

The funny thing is, I had even made a silent commitment to write more in 2008.  Not just updating my blog, but also to get back into short stories.

And can I tell you all how heart-warming it is to return to my blog home only to see messages from my web pals not only noting my absence but encouraging me to visit more often.   I love you guys

Well so far, 2008 has been pretty interesting.   Not least of which is my return to the world of  the sexually active.  And what a return that has been!  I’m still trying to adjust.

So anyway, here I am up at 4am, having awaken to some soul stirring love songs from the eighties.   I’m listening purely by accident.  Apparently I had rolled on the remote during sleep and Kool fm was selected.    Gosh, I just wish that listening to love songs didn’t evoke such strong feelings of wanting to be in love.

Well, let me go announce my presence and see what’s new with my blog pals.

Oh.  It’s not too late to wish everyone Happy 2008 is it?

I have one question.

Is there any company that manufactures toasters that last more than a week?  I bought an item of furniture from one of the popular furniture store and got with it free gift of a toaster.  Based on prior experience, I told the store representative that I was giving the toaster no more than two weeks before it starts malfunctioning.

Well, I used it for the first time this evening when I got home from work.  I toasted one bagel and later in the night when I decided to indulge in another bagel with some cream cheese, I had to hold down the lever. 

I’ve heard so many people with the same complaints - toasters that work only for a limited period regardless of the cost. 

Soaps

I’ve always been a bit of a snob when it comes to soaps.  The plots are usually so weak and often times so ridiculous that for years now I’ve dismissed them as foolish and secretly regard the people who profess to be hooked on them as er - well - uhm - maybe I should refrain from passing judgements.  I do like people reading my blog.   Well, having said that, can you imagine my horror when I found myself hooked to not one but two soaps??!!!  It didn’t matter how I spinned it, you know, just a passing interest, or, mere curiousity, I couldn’t deny the truth.  I was hooked.  Each night at 10:30 finds me totally engrossed and the next morning at 5:30 I’m up to catch the repeat.    The plots are just as lame as their predecessors but I’m hooked anyway.  Go figure.

I’m always fascinated by the search reference that I see when I check my blog stats.  So this evening I was quite amused when I saw ‘how do I find men in Jamaica for sex’ as a search item. 

Of course the next thought that came to mind was, why would anyone find my blog using that as their search.   What blog post would that lead them to?   Of course my innate curiousity lead me to google the question and came upon this blog post that I did some time ago.

But it’s beyond me why anyone would need to google that?  Don’t they know of www.adultfriendfinder.com where you can find anyone from any country/city/town to do anything with? 

Update:

I was finally able to get the link right.

Yesterday while at work, I looked on the computer clock, noted that it was past 4:00pm and silently cheered. 

When did I become a clock watcher?

I remember the days when I was happy to go lock down in my office on a public holiday.   The days when I relished to thought of going to work.  When I’d eagerly await the dawn of day in order to pour over the ledgers.   Or when I’d reluctantly leave the office at midnight, frustrated that the Balance Sheet was still out, go home and dream where the offending entry is and rush to work to see if my dream was on point.

Damn!  When did work become a chore? 

It’s not that I hate working.  It’s just that I can think of much better ways to spend my days. 

I must purchase a lottery ticket this weekend.

So that Carlos Hill, head honcho of the local HYIP (High Yield Investment Program) Cashplus Ltd, turned out to be quite an orator.  My sources told me that he had crowd eating out of his hands.  A newspaper article claimed that he assured the anxious crowd that Cashplus was here to stay ‘to thunderous applause’.  Well I felt like applauding too. 

Whenever he’s tired of buying hotels and media houses, sponsoring football leagues and whatever else he has planned to convince us all that his company is legit and here to stay, he can always go dabble in politics.  He certainly got the gift of gab and has the art of persuasion down pat. 

Good for him.  Good for me too actually.  I just hope it doesn’t turn out to be purely sophistry.

It also seems that I’ve never truly been aware of my appetite to take risks until these ’schemes’ appeared on the scene.  Somehow I’ve developed a yen for walking on the wild side and playing russian roulette with my hard-earned funds.   So it wasn’t enough to dump (wrong choice of word?) in Cashplus Ltd so I had to put some in WorldWise Partners too.

Time will tell whether my decision was a wise one.   They say hindsight is 20/20.  

In the meantime, I’m happy that Carlos Hill was able to allay the fears and prevent what might have been a run on Cashplus and the possible demise of my dreams of being a wealthy woman in a couple years.     I still don’t know if there’s any truth to the rumours that abound.

Oh well.

I thought WordPress didn’t eat your posts. 

Why oh why when I’m on a roll, and had already churned out about four paragraphs,  wordpress chose this precise time to eat my post?

Chuuups.

I really like the young boys that I teach. 

This has nothing to do with the fact that quite a few of them are so cute, that I find myself wishing that I was twenty years younger.

Nah, this isn’t going to be a lust-filled post where I admit to harbouring inappropriate thoughts about my charge.

I’m just so filled with hope when I talk with them. 

With all this talk of male marginalization and the fact that the universities are reporting that the boy-girl ratio of enrolment continues to be really low, it’s a wonderful thing to see them so interested in school work.

Of course I’m not saying they’re perfect.   Oh no!  They’re the typical  caribbean young males, mischievous and loud sometimes and projecting the expected machismo behavior when among their peers.   

I’ve discovered that despite the bandana tied around the head, the baggy jeans that threaten to trip them up, the occassional carving in the head, the self-assured swagger, they’re really pussy-cats when you talk to them on a one and one. 

I recently gave them an exam and even though most of them passed with a decent grade, they were a few who didn’t do as well as they should.  It was quite a satisfying to see them coming to me, requesting that I go through the questions, expressing concern about their grades and showing signs of distress, vowing that they’re going to do well in the next exam.

This experience has also confirmed that being the tactile person that I am, I wouldn’t last very long in the US educational system that frowns on any action remotely resembling displays of affection.   I couldn’t help thinking that this evening as I reassuring pat(or was it rubbing?)  a few of them on their shoulders.

What I find quite fascinating is that even though there are females in the class who didn’t do as well as expected, they didn’t seem overly concerned.  It was the boys who crowded around my desk,  jostling each other for a chance to discuss their grades, banging their heads even as they ask “Miss, is what kind of grade that?  Oh Jeez, I need to resit the exam!”

My cynical male friends have basically come to the conclusion that it’s the not grades they’re interested in, but a chance to get close to the lecturer.   I can’t quite discount that theory since a few bold ones have made ’soft advances’ - calling me up to ask about some aspect of the course only to cheekily end the conversation by telling me how ’sexy’ I look. 

So hard being a hot older female!  It’s a burden I’m willing to bear if it results in our boys passing exams.